Falling all over again

I guess two weeks wasn’t enough.

I instantly fell all over again at the sound of your voice.

Cinderella

Haven’t changed my phone’s wallpaper since I’ve gotten it. But this is just too beautiful.

Amazing work of art by Hanyije

 

Elune Adore

I continued playing the game though all my friends had left.

Played it alone, put myself through pugs every day of every week just so that I could keep up with u; so I wouldn’t fall behind even though pugging made me rage so much.

I stayed up late looking forward to your calls because I knew u had guild runs till midnight.

I nv said a word about love or relationships or anything too personal because I knew I had to keep my distance. U, were distant. U’re attached. Attached to a lady who u say is a mature woman. Who didn’t need you around. U played every night of the day, I was surprised when I learned that you were actually attached.

Sometimes I do wonder what sort of a relationship that was, when you spent more of your free time in the virtual world than with the woman you supposedly love. But then, who I’m I to judge. For I spent more of my free time in the virtual world waiting on someone who just treats me as a form of entertainment.

Well, I took the plunge for I knew that nothing could possibly come of this. That I was just wasting the last of my under 30s years waiting on a guy who doesnt even know I exist irl. I left him a farewell letter. Just to tell him goodbye, and one last tease by throwing all my worthless ingame junk at him.

I was afraid to leave because I knew that would mean no longer having an excuse for him to call me for I no longer play the game.

I guess this is the end.

Elune-adore, ____.

Digital Footprints

In this day, age and generation, never trust a person without a trace of a digital foot print. It only means they’re trying god damn hard to hide something.

Solitaire

What a solitary life I live..

It’s the Lunar New Year, everyone’s busy meeting up with family and friends. I’m sitting in front of my computer waiting for people to form some raids. Don’t even have anyone I know in-game playing with me. Just me alone… Was the same for xmas, was the same for new years.
Wasting away the best time of my life alone..

But.. I don’t really have friends. So it’s not that I’m turning down invites to go out. I had cut contact with the girls a long time ago. Didn’t see any point on up keeping such superficial friendships. I use to have quite a few guy friends who gamed with me. People I knew irl. But in the end it’s always one of two things. They wanted more than platonic friendship, I make it clear that i just wanted friendship, they leave. Or, they get themselves a GF and disappear. Or a combination of both…

Don’t fall for the guy who has a Girlfriend

No matter what happens, you will only be his second best. No matter how many texts, how many sleepless nights you spend together, just the two of you, he will always have someone else in his mind.

The guy who has a girlfriend will make you wait for an hour, because he was on Skype with his special one. The guy who has a girlfriend will casually mention his girl in front of you, and each time, your heart cracks. No matter how many times you stayed up all night together, by the end of the day, his thoughts will drift to her. She is the one he will dream about.

The guy who has a girlfriend will break your heart, ever so unintentionally, little by little, each time he showcases his love and loyalty to his girl. The guy who has a girlfriend is not doing anything wrong, which only makes you yearn for him more. The guy who has a girlfriend will make you dream of the impossible – if only he is not in a relationship.

The guy who has a girlfriend will inspire you; he will bring out your best potential you did not know you possess. The guy who has a girlfriend will make you want to prove yourself that you can be a better person for him, and with him.

The guy who has a girlfriend will make you want to forget. There will come a point where you cannot handle this feeling and delete all his text messages. The guy who has a girlfriend will not realize and still texts you as if nothing happened. The guy who has a girlfriend will make you laugh and reply to his texts again.

The guy who has a girlfriend is perfect in your eyes, but he is not yours to have. For though both of you fill each other’s waking hours, his heart is somewhere else beyond your reach. Do not fall in love with the guy who has a girlfriend, he will always choose her over you.

– Klara Monika

Attractiveness of intellect

This post was saved in my drafts for quite a while. I never got around finishing it till now. But here goes..

I just realized recently that I’m actually more attracted to intellect than looks.

I’ve always wondered what sort of men I’m attracted to. I never seem to have a specific type. The guys I dated were never drop dead gorgeous. I was never infatuated with a person for their good looks. (Ok, minus the occasional pop star here and there)

To be honest, I recently realized that I’ve sort of fallen for this guy. I first got to know him a couple years back, bout 2 years ago. He was my raid leader then (yes, WoW) and back then, i was terrified of him.
We both played the same class, and in Cata and MoP, I was just down right bad. I use to be really good back in wotlk though.
But yea, I was terrified of him because I knew that he knows whenever I screw up. Not too long into the game, I quit because I couldnt stand doing daily grinds, and by not doing daily grinds, I fell behind on gearing up and thus, was underperforming. i hated being a weakling. I didn’t want to give them the reason to go ‘ah, what to do, she’s a girl. Girls are baddies who cant carry their own weight’, so I quitted.

I met up with them once for dinner, he was there and he terrified me as well irl. Hahaha!

Anyway, almost 2yrs past when the new expansion of the game came out. Warlords of Dreanor. I was back in action with my bestie. Our old guild master revived the inactive guild and soon we were back, casually. My guild mates dont log on much, they’re too busy with work and relationships, so we didn’t have anyone to play with. Anyway, lets cut this story short, he started playing with us and another guildie started adding us to their skype calls.

—— Break ——-

Finally resuming this post on the way home alone from a company gaming night with one too many drink. (Yes, i still pwn-ed)

Anyway, the more I talked with him, the more I left behind the intimidating leader I always thought him to be. He started seeming more boyish, just a guy who after a day of hardwork, want to go home to a virtual world, relax and play out his adventure fantasies of slaying beasts. And i guess, the social element of interacting with like minded individuals as himself; cept, not one as hardcore as he is.
He reaches home before I do. So probably about 7pm, and either sleeps while we’re on skype together around 4am or after I head to work or bed around 6.
The first few Skype calls were were in together was initiated by his friend. They, much like my BFF and I were always in call together. During that time, my BFF didn’t have time to play, it was during the xmas season. When the new year past, and we had gotten more use to each other, in addition to our mutual friend traveling back overseas to resume school, he started calling me out of the blue instead when we were both online. Initially he called a group that the 3 of us were in. Then he just called me when our mutual friend wasn’t online. The first few times he did that however, i was pretty sure he accidentally pressed the call button as we were still a lil awkward when it was just the two of us. At least, i was. Some time last year I had actually found out that he was in a relationship. When our mutual friend wanted to give us a call but he replied in guild chat saying ‘wait. Talking to gf.’. My BFF n I privately poked fun at that because we never imagined a guy like him who spent seemingly all his free time in this virtual world, would have time to upkeep a GF. But well, one day I finally asked, and I too told him about us poking fun at him. But he didn’t really mention much about her. Admittedly, I was quite disappointed. I finally meet a guy who is passionate, prolly even more passionate than I am at a game and yet at the same time he was able to balance real world commitments. Biggest factor of all was his intelligence. I envied his GF. I never thought i’ll meet someone smarter and more knowledgable about the world and our virtual world than my BFF. But I did. But.. He just had to be attached…

A few weeks after finding out he was attached, we were having our weekly runs in game. He suddenly went mute n said he had to brb. I instantly knew his GF was there with him. Ok so.. It was more of a lucky guess since why else would a guy who’s so devoted to a game have to go afk while we were forming the run. He sounded.. Well… Distracted.
About midnight and on our last boss, he suddenly went mute again saying that his gf was sleeping and that he couldnt talk. Of coz all these mention about GF broke me a lil, but, it’s only natural I guess.

He played a lil less the next day. I’d imagine he’d been playing so much that his GF had to come over to babysit him and make sure he goes to sleep. But the routine went back to normal after a couple of days.

I had grown to look forward to his calls that lasted for hours, averaging 6-8 hrs i guess. It was just fun having someone to play with and some human recognition via voice.

Truth, i know I should just stop playing the game. I don’t want to implicate happy relationships and i don’t want to be always looking forward to his calls.
He never fails to mention his GF every now and then, prolly as a tell to sort of tell me that he’s not flirting with me, he’s not interested in me, and that he’s serious about his GF. But there are times when he teases me, or does stuff in game just to provoke me like when he gets the AoE damage debuff and Leap of Faiths me into him because I was telling him to get out of the raid. Stuff like these.. I dont know.. I guess guys just enjoy teasing me. I’m just a fun person to tease, to talk with, to interact, to game with. But I’m not the girl who they want to be romantically involved with.
I’m the BFF tom boy best girl friend who shares their interests and speaks their language. But that’s all I am to them. I’m not a girl with a potential to be an object of desire. I’m just a playmate who’s there during game time to accompany them. Thats all i am..

2015: Still alive

Last day of 2014 I received confirmation that he’s still alive in form of an ACRA letter for his business.
2nd day of 2015 I received confirmation that he’s still living it up overseas in form of a letter from a hotel casino.
Some things, never change. Even after more than a decade of running.

Trickery of Loneliness

Have you ever been alone for so long, or felt so lonely, that your mind, body and soul tries to instinctively check if every single person you come into contact with of the opposite gender, could possibly a match for you? They try to trick you into thinking that there might be something there, your heart aches for it and want it too. But deep down, you know that isn’t so, and it’s just your longing to be held, to be loved, to feel love.

It gets really irritating, and it pushes me further from wanting to interact with people because I don’t want to make a wrong decision or judgement just because I am in this state of mind. It sucks because you will initially perk up and feel a lil warmth inside, and then you come to realization that this probably isn’t what you want it to be, and from there, you free fall your way back into the abyss. Falling further from where you had crawled out from.
How then, will you pick yourself up for good from a situation like that I wonder..

Growing up

As I grow older, i start to realize it gets harder and harder being single. I returned home at 11pm on a Friday night after attending a friend’s company opening party. People left early, i stayed as long as I could because I really had no where else to go, nothing else to do on a Friday night without feeling so alone.

It gets harder. There was once a time when we would just hop onto the internet n log into our games, our worlds magically changed. You greet your friends as they logon during their regular timings after school or work; run some heroics together, quested together.
Now, I log on to an empty guild. No ones online. No one’s free on a friday night to play. No one responses to the group chat. Everyone has GF duties to carry out. I’m stuck here all alone in my lil apartment, in my lil room, in my virtual world.

It gets tougher. Everyday.