My bi-annual update of rants. :)

by wewriteourownstories

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted.

A lot has been going on. New and exciting things, good things, and some not so good. But all in all, life has been pretty hectic.

I’ve stopped streaming and making videos, instead, I do media and marketing for a relatively big company on a freelance basis. It all started out from a curious tweet from me to the head of eSports global division. He offered to teach me the ropes and know-hows in the industry, so I signed up. Half a year later, I’m equipped with new knowledge and a pay rise twice. [though my pay started from peanuts when I first joined them. My current pay now, is still half of what I use to earn in my previous job.]

I think it’s been pretty much a rollercoaster ride. I travel 4-5 hours a day to my workplace with morning battles to board the bus coupled with elbow jostling after you actually board the bus. 

wow. I’m actually having a pretty tough time writing this entry. Not that it has any sort of emotional factors, just that it’s been really long since I’ve actually used much English. Sure, I use it everyday when I talk to my friends and family and co-workers. But this past year, I’ve been pretty much cut off from society, living in my own little virtual world where gamers I meet are from neighbouring countries who don’t communicate much in English.

Well anyway, back on topic, I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve also been task to do so many things I’m not trained in, most recently, programming. I was task to write a program for my boss to help automate some stuff for him. I’m fine with coming up with ideas theory wise. I know the tech end, what’s possible and what’s not. But all these, only in theory. I’ve never done programming nor was I trained in it. But well.. after a week of being a horribly bad person because I was tearing my hair out trying to write a program with a language I don’t even know, I finally succeeded, right in time for my vacation.

As I breathe a sigh of relief, I’ve realized that though I’m doing work for this industry I wanted to get a foothold in, I feel like working here is sort of making me a bad person. Not that I’m doing bad things or thinking of committing a crime, but more of.. I’m constantly in a bad mood from the start of the day with the 2 hour rush hour commute to work, with the crazy people who shove and jostle their way through you that I’ve started to become one of them. I realise it, and I hate it. But if I don’t stand my ground, I’ll never be able to board the bus. And don’t even start with the whole ‘oh, you could always leave the house earlier..’ no can do. Earlier time slots are even worst. When I get to work, it’s fine. Sometimes you feel your work is unappreciated and all that jazz, but well.. I won’t go too much into details for that. Afterrr work.. It’s another 3hours commute home with the same drama of tragic battles, except this time, it takes 2-3hours to actually get home because you wait over an hour for the bus to arrive, and when it does… it’s full.

I get home in a really bad mood. And when I do get home.. I started this joined project thing with 2 other guys. It use to only be me and one other guy, till another guy [the guy’s friend] came in proposing a way to make money out of the community we’ve grown. Back then, when it were just the 2 of us, it was fine. We did what we had to do, the community was growing by the hundreds each day. But now, the moment I switch on the computer, actually no.. even at work I get spammed by them because 1 of them doesn’t work, and the other freelances full time. So yeah, by the time I get home, I’m bombarded with messages asking me to make videos, write articles, stuff like that because I’m the only one that uses English as my first language. I mean, it’s nice to earn a lil pocket money on the side. And I was really excited to start this journey with them, but now it feels more like a burden. Plus the fact that I might just be kicked off the team the next moment since 2 of them are friends in real life, I’m the outsider, plus they hold access to the important stuff.

ahhhh.. I wish I could just throw all these rants out the window. Pack my bags, move off somewhere and start a fresh. I don’t want to be this angry, stubborn, pessimistic person any more. I was never this way till recently, and I hate the person I am right now.

I have to learn to teach myself how to keep my cool, to be happy, and to be optimistic. I guess it’s a little tough when it feels like the great big world is against you and you have no one else by your side to give you some encouragement. My best friend moved into his new apartment with his fiance, so we no longer game at night like we used to. We use to game all night long, screaming at each other along with his brothers over skype. Fun times. That ain possible now. And, our friendship really is truly platonic incase anyone was wondering. Since that’s usually the first thing people bring up. We’ve been friends over a decade, just slightly longer than when he first got to know his girlfriend. We gamed together practically every night and we would jump from game to game. I look up to him as a big bro because he’s a really smart person. But well, my best friend is usually unavailable now a days, and truth be told, I don’t actually have any other friends.

I use to hang out with this group of girls back from high school, but I felt their friendship was just too superficious. They met up for birthdays, and over dinners they would talk about luxury brands, cars, men, and living the ‘high life’. I’m not one for luxury brands nor cars nor men for their money. I’m a gamer. Plain and simple as that. I find happiness gaming with people who’s company I enjoy. Just that.. I cant find anyone anymore that I can game with without them having any ulterior motives. Any way, one day, I simply sent them a message through the group chat stating I would not be joining any more of their gathering as I’ve had enough of this superficial friendship. And that was that. lol.

I have my ex-colleagues who I occasionally meet up with, though I’m not really sure why. I know that some of the guys think that I get everything easier just because I’m female. I know they keep in contact with me because I have quite a lot of contacts. I think one of them thinks that I use my sexuality to network and get things easily just because a couple of his friends joined us for games and later on tried asking me out, which I never accept because when I play a game, I play it for the game, for the fun and entertainment it supplies me, not to get to know guys. But I’m always nice to everyones, maybe they see it as flirting, but then they’ve got it wrong if so.

So.. scratch that group off my list. I guess, I’m back to 0.

Well.. nothings gonna come out of ranting. I make my own life yeah?

Will be travelling to Europe for a month. Bringing my mom to fulfill her lifelong dream of visiting Europe. Hopefully after this trip, I’ll come back refreshed, with new positive perspectives. Deep down inside, I’m hoping someone would throw me a lifeline. But from my 20-something years on earth I’ve learned never to depend on anyone but yourself, unless you’re prepared for disappointment.