I’m honestly not in a very happiest of places right now.
It just hit me. BAM! A huge, heavy load of loneliness. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this down. I’m almost 30. I’ve only had 1 relationship. It’s been 4 years. But just nothing. Nothing. No one. I know I haven’t got much time. I’ve spent the best years of my life in front of my computer in virtual worlds. I’ve closed myself off from people. I never liked the idea of advertising myself in games as a female gamer; never liked the unneeded attention.
Sometimes I do think to myself. It’s not that there’s no one who’s interested in me. But I’ve clearly told them before that I just don’t feel the same way about them and that I wouldn’t date someone without having feelings for them. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually a bitch for being this way. But I also wonder to myself, why guys sometimes express interest in me. Is it because they find me interesting or unique because I was a girl who played tons of games? Whose whole world revolved around games? Is it because I’m of Japanese origins? Is it because I seem easy to get because I’ve had only 1 relationship and I seem single all my life? Or because I’m average looking which makes me seem like I’m not the sort that had the luxury to be picky? What do these people see in me, or see me as?
This facade; illusion of a carefree girl whose passion is games? Well, I’m not that carefree. I just don’t take pleasure in bringing the people around me down with my heavy heart and heavy mind. Yes, I am, what you may call, a hard core gamer. But, there’s more to me than just being a ‘girl gamer’. I’ve started to hate this title. “Girl gamer”. There are so many females out there who use the notion of being a ‘girl gamer’ to get attention of the opposite gender. Those who go in game exclaiming they’re female and expecting items and special treatment. I’ve close to never, gotten any items from people. A part of me wonders if I was just stupid for not using the leverage I was born with, for being too prideful maybe. I’m the type that find insult in a person telling me “you’re good. For a girl.”
Moving on, I admit that I wasn’t exactly born with the best features, but I’m glad I wasn’t born with any defects as well. Eyes that can see, ears that can hear, body parts that work the way they should [almost]. But I do wonder to myself sometimes, would life be easier if I were born with slightly better appearances? The answer is pretty obvious, but then again when I think about it, I’m also too prideful to be the type to use looks as a leverage and because of that, I’d prolly be in a similar state of mind and train of thoughts. I want people to like me for who I am. I’m honest, I’m real, I’m.. I’m me..
So how’s that working out for me? Well, looking at the number of people I would call “Friends”, now currently 1, I guess it ain working out too well. Even so, my one and only friend has been too busy preparing for married life. Gone were the days of late night gaming together. But I guess it’s understandable. And I won’t wedge myself into his busy schedule or life, after all, what sort of a friend would I be if so? I’ll stand here alone, by the side lines watching on, as long as my best friend is in a happy place, its okay if I’m not part of it. I’m satisfied on that aspect and wouldn’t do anything to threaten my friend’s happiness.
But gosh.. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to be happy? Why is it so hard to find love? Everyone is looking for love. Everyone is looking for that companion to walk together with through life, but yet, there’s an element of chemistry that’s rare to match up. Sometimes, we just force yourself to look away. When I think of things this way, I feel like a hypocrite. There too, are people who ‘like’ me, but I too, look away, looking for something else, searching for something else.