We Write Our Own Stories

Just another girl on the internet

2015: Still alive

Last day of 2014 I received confirmation that he’s still alive in form of an ACRA letter for his business.
2nd day of 2015 I received confirmation that he’s still living it up overseas in form of a letter from a hotel casino.
Some things, never change. Even after more than a decade of running.


Trickery of Loneliness

Have you ever been alone for so long, or felt so lonely, that your mind, body and soul tries to instinctively check if every single person you come into contact with of the opposite gender, could possibly a match for you? They try to trick you into thinking that there might be something there, your heart aches for it and want it too. But deep down, you know that isn’t so, and it’s just your longing to be held, to be loved, to feel love.

It gets really irritating, and it pushes me further from wanting to interact with people because I don’t want to make a wrong decision or judgement just because I am in this state of mind. It sucks because you will initially perk up and feel a lil warmth inside, and then you come to realization that this probably isn’t what you want it to be, and from there, you free fall your way back into the abyss. Falling further from where you had crawled out from.
How then, will you pick yourself up for good from a situation like that I wonder..

Growing up

As I grow older, i start to realize it gets harder and harder being single. I returned home at 11pm on a Friday night after attending a friend’s company opening party. People left early, i stayed as long as I could because I really had no where else to go, nothing else to do on a Friday night without feeling so alone.

It gets harder. There was once a time when we would just hop onto the internet n log into our games, our worlds magically changed. You greet your friends as they logon during their regular timings after school or work; run some heroics together, quested together.
Now, I log on to an empty guild. No ones online. No one’s free on a friday night to play. No one responses to the group chat. Everyone has GF duties to carry out. I’m stuck here all alone in my lil apartment, in my lil room, in my virtual world.

It gets tougher. Everyday.

WTB friends or people to play with. Cant afford to pay in cash but will pay in cookies instead.

Trigger to my head

I had a dream last night. I had a gun, and I put it to my head. My body felt free, my mind felt clear, and I pulled the trigger. Nothing. As in, nothing happened. Just so happened that it was a bit of a russian roulette. I had hit the empty chamber. .. Or whatever it is they call that spinning thing with the bullets in it. That spinning magazine. The feeling after pulling the trigger… Adrenaline. The feeling u get peering off the edge from the top of a skyscraper. Fear coupled with excitement. It felt addictive. I knew the next shot would def have a bullet unless the gun malfunctions, but I was tempted. Tempted to pull the trigger again for that rush.

Traits, genetics, neurogenesis and tons of other scientific terms

It’s been a while since I’ve met up with my boys. We have this weird relationship. Their houses are near to one another so they meet up fairly often. I live all the way at the other end of the island, and never once, or well, seldom do they ask me out. But whenever I do call them out for last min supper, they’ll usually push aside plans to meet up. This is usually when I’m in town.
I know them pretty well. Their characters, their traits. We all know each other pretty well. Well.. All except for me. It dawn onto me during a conversation about genetics and traits which are past down from our parents to us including the environment we grow up in makes us who we are. Nurture and Nature. But I realized.. I really don’t know what my traits are. I said it out loud, to which they responded that none of them actually really knew me that well. A laser shot through me. I’m a mystery box, no one really knows me because I’ve never let anyone in they said. I thought about it awhile, but thing is, no one really wanted to know me; to know who I was. Yes, I don’t like letting people in, but on the other hand, they never really asked, or at least, tried to know me. Or so I feel. Now I’m wondering if I’m really that uninteresting. If I’m so insignificant that no one would bother to really know me. Sometimes I feel my gender works against me. I would love to jump at the opportunity to venture on an overseas trip with them, like they recently went to Thailand, didn’t ask me along. But I guess they still feel that a girl shouldn’t bunk with them. Maybe it’s because in the past one of them liked me, but that’s so many years ago, that was when we were kids, when we were in school. I see no difference bunking with them like a sister bunking in a room with her bros. But ah well..
Same thing when one of them mentioned about another road trip to the US. He said if Friend A brings his GF and Friend B brings his, ‘then you with me meh?’, he said. Later he switched the conversation saying, “if u get your driving license den fine, you’re welcome along. But only if you get your license coz we need drivers” license aside, it sucks that I can’t be the close friend I want to be to them just because of my gender. Though they always introduce me to their friends as ‘bro’, ‘she’s a bro’.

But that aside, back to the topic. What are my traits? I really don’t know. Do I actually have any traits? Some people use to say that I seem to be a very career centric person, just coz I wouldn’t date anyone. But that wasn’t true. I really don’t know what my traits are really.. I’m lazy for one. That’s pretty much all I can think of..

I did a quick google on ‘what are my traits’, read through a few lists of traits, I seem to possess mainly negative traits like laziness, stubbornness, quarrelsome sometimes. I guess I can be fair, encouraging and helpful sometimes. But those are such generic traits. What defines me? What makes me who I am?

2014 Asian Stereotypes still lives

It’s the year 2014, but not much has changed in the media. Asians are still stereotyped as academic chasers.

In episode 2 of Criminal Minds season 10, it tells the story about an obsessed Asian dude and for God knows what reason, he is seen wearing a navy blue female swimsuit, akin to those Japanese school girls wear. That and along with a translucent raincoat and red tinted goggles. Apparently the reason behind all the killings he did? Well, you pretty much guessed it, bad grades and a strict Asian Father that did not take Bs kindly. He goes on a mission to complete the 9 circles of hell, killing fathers who seem abusive with their kids, and when I say abusive, it was more like just normal parental disciplinary actions. One of the victims was said to be loved by the kid he was mentoring, although he was tough on him, but he brought the kid from failing to As.

Waaaayy too much Asian stereotypes in one episode imo. A cheap shot from the writers. I expected more out of Criminal minds. Yeah, the story line works, but the Japanese school girl swim suit on a grown man? Really?

lol.. man..